


Ghost with a Beating Heart

by Shaddyr



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: sgareversebang, Eventual Happy Ending, Graphic Description, Immortality, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 02:09:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16525262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaddyr/pseuds/Shaddyr
Summary: Forever is a long time.





	Ghost with a Beating Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Torn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504571) by [stargatesg1971](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatesg1971/pseuds/stargatesg1971). 



> The title is a quote taken from Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
> 
> Many thanks to the incomparable [brumeier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier) for the beta!
> 
> PLEASE NOTE: this fic would be general except for a short, graphic description of the aftermath of a suicide attempt; it may be disturbing to some readers.

_"Do you want to live forever?"_

Dirt fell in uneven clumps, rocks bouncing as they hit the coffin lid. Sheppard stood and watched till the last spade of earth was thrown on the casket, then turned and walked away. Away from the grave, away from the finality of death, away from the knowledge that he was the only one left.

The question rattled around in his head as he walked, one foot in front of the other, until he reached the water and could go no further. He followed a path running parallel to the beach until he hit the pier. He walked to the very end and stood silent, staring out over the choppy waters, face numbed by the stinging breeze. Thick clouds, painted blue and pink in the fading light, promised more of the rain that had drenched the funeral earlier. 

Sheppard remembered the day everything changed. It began like any other: breakfast with his team, laughing as McKay spluttered at Ronon for stealing sausages from his plate, discussing the upcoming mission with a potential new trading partner. He remembered stepping through the gate into a warm and breezy morning; the walk to the village, nodding as Teyla reminded them of proper honorifics to use with Elder Vaun; hiding his grin as she admonished McKay not to insult Shaman Jaiken; casually discussing earth sports with Ronon, and how they were comparable to those from Sateda. He remembered the sunshine on his face and the quiet joy in that moment of lazy perfection, surrounded by his team, doing what he loved.

He felt a raindrop splash against his cheek and blinked, lifting his face up to the sky. As more raindrops fell, he wished the wind and rain could numb his heart.

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

There was a commotion, yelling followed by a crash, and Elder Vaun paused. A moment later, a scream of anguish caught them all off guard. Ronon and Sheppard rose as one, turning to face the entrance, both reflexively reaching for their side arms. The door burst open and one of the village women came barging in despite the attendants struggling valiantly to bar her from entering. Vaun waved the attendants away and the woman ran up to the Shaman and grasped his arm. 

"Jaiken, please help me!" she sobbed, clutching at him, radiating desperation. "Koe was playing near the temple again! I've warned him so many times, but the other boys are always teasing him for hearing the call of the Ancients-"

Sheppard shot a sharp glance at McKay. He was already pulling out his LSD and had turned in the approximate direction of the building that had earlier been pointed out to them as the temple.

Jaiken placed a hand on her shoulder. "Alemi, did he cross into the Realm?"

She nodded tearfully. "He did." 

His eyes closed, an expression of utter sorrow crossing his face. "I am so sorry. If Koe has transgressed into the Realm, there is nothing I can do. There is only a short time until the Ancients will take him." He took her hands in his, his voice full of compassion. "You must say your goodbyes now." 

She crumpled to her knees sobbing. McKay cleared his throat. 

"Look, I don't mean to intrude, but…" he hesitated, glancing between Sheppard and Shaman Jaiken. Sheppard nodded at him to continue. "I'm pretty sure your temple is actually an old outpost. And according to my readings, the defence system was just activated."

Elder Vaun frowned. "What does that mean?" 

Sheppard spoke up. "It means that McKay might be able to stop it."

Alemi looked up, eyes pleading. "Please," she begged, holding out a beseeching hand. "Save my boy!"

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

It wasn't till his next physical that they noticed anything amiss.

Keller looked at him oddly. "Colonel. I… uhm." She trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words.

Sheppard cocked an eyebrow at her. "Problem, doc?"

"Not as such, exactly. More, well – how are feeling? I mean physically, overall. How would you say you are feeling generally, day to day now as compared to a year ago?"

He paused in buttoning up his shirt. "It's funny you ask that," he said slowly as he resumed his buttoning. "Both Ronon and Teyla asked a really similar question recently." He smirked slightly. "I think Ronon was a little irked that my reflexes are just as good as ever when we were sparring.

"They're not."

He felt an icy tendril of fear shoot through him and his eyes locked on to hers. "What?" His hands came down to brace against the examination bed and he leaned forward to stare at her across it. "Is there something wrong with me?"

She shook her head. "Actually, there's nothing wrong with you, Colonel. Nothing at all."

He let out a sigh of relief, but it was quickly followed by confusion. "But, you said my reflexes-"

"Are not just as good as ever, no. They're better, significantly so. And that's not all." She let out a sigh and rubbed her forehead with one hand as he stared at her, trying not to gape. "Look, I know you work out, you eat well and you do all the right things to stay in top physical shape. But the fact remains – John, you are a man in your fourties. No matter what you do, the human body starts to wear out. Knees, hips, backs, shoulders…"

He winced as she named off various body parts he'd acquired injuries to in the line of duty over the years. He suffered his share of aches and pains as a result of those injuries, some of them chronic. And that observation brought him up short.

"My shoulder," he said quietly, realizing the slight catch and compromised range of motion he was so used to compensating for hadn't been an issue for some time.

She nodded. "And your knee." She crossed her arms and studied him. "When's the last time your knee bothered you?"

He furrowed his brow, trying to remember. The ache was a reminder of the crash in Afghanistan, a reminder of how he'd survived, and his friends had not. It always hurt more in the cold, damp Lantean winter, kind of like a never ending ice cream headache. It definitely slowed him down when he sparred with Ronon, but he couldn't recall the last time it tripped him up. He looked up at Jennifer mutely, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Right." She took a deep breath. "Clear your afternoon, Colonel. We need to determine your new baseline."

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

_"Do you want to live forever?"_

The question, posed so casually, caught Sheppard off guard. He surreptitiously glanced at Teyla for guidance before responding to Shaman Jaiken. She was no help, simply returning his gaze serenely as she sipped her tea. 

They were taking a break from the negotiations which had resumed the following day. The atmosphere in the village after they had rescued young Koe had been joyful. It had only taken McKay a few minutes to discover that what should have been a holding field for unauthorized trespassers had turned into a death trap. As the ZPM powering the outpost approached entropy, corrupted safety protocols caused the security barrier to collapse in on itself after approximately thirty minutes, disintegrating any living matter still within it when failed.

Once McKay hacked the outpost computer and accessed the base programming, it was a simple matter of using his ATA gene. Sheppard submitted to a security scan, touched a few panels and the field winked out. They freed Koe with about eight minutes to spare. 

Afterward, Elder Vaun decreed the bartering on hold until they organized a feast to celebrate, and so there had been food, drink, dancing, and song far into the night.

Jaiken was still waiting patiently for an answer, and the last thing Sheppard wanted to do was say the wrong thing and offend the local spiritual leader. Before he could respond, McKay spoke up.

"Of course he wants to live forever," McKay said, stirring some sweetener into his tea. After discovering the local plant brewed for tea had almost double the caffeine content as coffee, he'd been drinking it at every opportunity, despite the astringent taste.

Sheppard gave McKay a quelling look before turning back Jaiken. "Err... doesn't everyone?" He hedged his answer, not really sure what response the shaman was looking for. Experience had taught him that sometimes these were trick questions. 

"I do not think I would." Teyla finally spoke, looking pensively into her cup. "I would like a good life, full of friendships and joy. Preferably free of the Wraith. But should I be fortunate enough to reach Charin's years, I think I will eventually grow tired. I would be ready to take my place with the Ancestors. "

Sheppard blinked and tilted his head to one side. He'd always expected that, one day, he was going to be sent back to Earth in a coffin, and his brother would get a folded flag and a box of medals. He'd never really contemplated being old enough to get tired of living. He found himself glancing over to where Ronon was sprawled on a chair by the table, gnawing on what looked like a large turkey leg – if turkey meat was a pinky-orange colour. He raised an eyebrow in query.

Ronon snorted. "No." He went back to gnawing on the leg and didn't elaborate.

Sheppard looked back at Jaiken. "I stand corrected."

"Well, I would!" McKay said. "Think of all the things there are to learn! Unlimited research!" He favoured Sheppard with a look that seemed to despair of his capacity to provide an intelligent answer. "Of course, for you eternal life would mean unlimited opportunity to pull every crazy, death defying stunt you've ever wanted."

Sheppard felt glimmer of warning in his belly that said no, that was not really what he wanted. But McKay was right there in his face, his snarky voice and irritating smirk, and Sheppard really couldn't help himself. "Sounds fantastic." He drawled out the words in that lazy, surfer-dude tone that he knew annoyed McKay the most. "Sign me up."

Jaiken watched the byplay between them, dark eyes like a heavy weight boring into Sheppard's soul. "John Sheppard, is that truly what you want?" 

Sheppard spared a glance for McKay, then flashed Jaiken his most charming grin. "Absolutely."

Jaiken stared at McKay intensely. 

"What?" McKay demanded when the gaze became heavy enough to make him squirm. Jaiken did not answer him, turning back to Sheppard instead. 

"I would give you this gift," Jaiken said, his face troubled, "but you may discover, in time, that you wish I had not. If your yearning is fierce enough, you will have the chance to reject it and set things as they once were." With that, he extended his hand to Sheppard, palm up, and waited.

Sheppard hesitated for a split second, then shrugged and reached out to grasp Jaiken's hand. Jaiken slid his fingers down to curl firmly around his wrist. He heard Teyla saying something, but it was drowned out by the sudden buzzing in his ears, like a chorus of cicadas or an electrical hum. Jaiken was chanting something in a low tone that Sheppard couldn't follow. Just when he thought it was over, Jaiken reached out with his free hand to touch Sheppard's forehead. A split second before his finger made contact, Sheppard realized they were glowing. He jerked at the touch, felt the buzz through his skin, then everything was swathed in light and he felt himself falling. 

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

The funeral had been for Colonel Gina Little, last surviving member of the Atlantis expedition. The city was still out there, but the SGC hadn't been in command of Atlantis for years. It was administered by the Coalition now, and the great spires were once again teeming with residents. Earth had a presence there, with many researchers and scientists working alongside the people of the Pegasus galaxy, but the expedition as it had been was long since defunct. 

Sheppard had been the CO for thousands of troops during his tenure, but he still fondly recalled the wet behind the ears, twenty-two year-old First Lieutenant Little had been when deployed to Atlantis. She'd shipped out during the 7th year of the mission, and he'd watched her blossom, hold her own against McKay's acerbic nature, spar with Marines twice her size and pin them to the mat, and learn everything she could about life in the Pegasus galaxy. She and Mehra had become fast friends when Little took a place on Teldy's team. 

"I'm still picking the best of the best," Teldy had informed him when she selected Little for her team, and Sheppard agreed. Little had gone on to make Captain, then Major, and finally lead a team of her own.

It was sixty-nine years since she first beamed down from the Daedalus, and fourty years since Sheppard set foot on Atlantis. It was thirty-one years ago that she retired, and a week ago, Little had died – the last person who had served on the Atlantis expedition with him. 

The rain was coming down in earnest now, and lightning sparked across the sky leaving afterimages on his retinas. The crack-boom of thunder echoed across the water, close enough that he felt the thud of it hammer against his chest, reminiscent of the way his heart hammered against the hollowness inside him. 

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

One of the constants about life in the Pegasus Galaxy was that things could change from five-by-five to a complete clusterfuck in the space of a heartbeat. What had started out as an innocuous recon mission turned ugly when they encountered Wraith 

"Oh, god, this is how I die," McKay babbled nervously as he held his weapon at the ready. 

They were pinned down behind an outcropping of rocks, a couple of darts zooming in tight patterns overhead and at least a dozen drones between them and the Gate. There was precious little cover and judging by the way the drones were simply holding position, Sheppard was betting that a hiveship was on the way.

"Shut up, Rodney," he muttered as he mentally calculated how long it would take him to reach the next meager pile of stones he could use as cover. "No one is dying today." He grimaced. Excellent shape or no, he still wasn't fast enough.

"Ronon," he said, gesturing with his chin, P90 held up and ready to fire.

Ronon grunted and crouched down, shifting from foot to foot, kind of like a cat getting ready to pounce.

Sheppard locked eyes with Teyla, pointed at the sparse trees in the other direction, then gestured at McKay. Teyla gave him a terse nod and prepared to run.

"Rodney." Sheppard spoke in his listen-up-or-I'll-kick-your-ass voice. "When I say go, you run with Teyla. You do not look back, you do not stop, you haul ass and follow her, you got it?"

"But, what–" He cut himself off with a grimace and gave Sheppard a terse nod. "Yeah, yeah, I got it."

Sheppard nodded in approval. "When you get to the DHD, she'll lay down supressing fir. You dial and then you run through. Don't stop, don't wait, just get your ass through. Got it?"

McKay hesitated for a moment and Sheppard nudged him. "Rodney! Got it?"

"Yeah, ok, fine! Got it!"

Sheppard knew he had to make McKay say it or he was likely to hesitate at the Gate and look back for them, and Sheppard couldn't afford the distraction of checking to see if McKay was following orders or not. 

He took a deep breath and steeled himself for action. "Go!"

Ronon leaped out, graceful and deadly, picking off drones like bottles on a fence. Sheppard followed in his wake, shooting in controlled bursts. He could hear gunfire to his right, knew it had to be Teyla and McKay, and did everything he could to keep the Wraith focused on him. He could hear the whine of an approaching dart as they ran for the pile of stones, and Sheppard dove in behind it as the culling beam flashed by, way to close for comfort. Ronon, mashed right up against him on his back, took careful aim and fired at the underbelly as the dart looped around, scoring a direct hit. Sheppard crowed as the small craft wobbled and spun, losing altitude rapidly. A few seconds later, they realized that the trajectory of the dart meant it was headed straight for them, and they both leapt out from cover of the rocks in opposite directions. Sheppard ran full bore for the trees, knowing full well it was hopeless, he was done for, but he couldn't fucking well just stand there, he had to try – then the dart exploded, the shockwave lifting him into the air, agony infusing his body, heat searing his lungs for endless, tortuous moments before the concussion slammed him into the ground and everything went dark. 

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

Be it the mountain, Afghanistan, or Atlantis, the unmistakable antiseptic smell of the infirmary was the same everywhere. Sheppard heard the quiet beeps of monitors as he gradually rose to consciousness. He groaned as a fierce throbbing in his head kicked in and informed him that it was, indeed, still attached.

"He's waking up!"

He struggled to open his eyes and found the concerned faces of his team staring down at him.

"Everybody ok?" He struggled to get the words out, and was shocked at the sound of his voice, so raspy and weak. He tried to lift a hand to his throat to check for damage, but he could barely move it, instead slowly dragging it over his torso till his fingers rested over his throat. He let out a sigh of relief. He couldn’t feel any obvious damage, so what?

"Ok, everyone out!" Keller ordered, and Sheppard blinked. She was using the bad ass doctor tone that she only brought out when she needed the big guns, or something was very wrong.

Despite their protests, Keller ushered them all out, then pulled up a privacy curtain around him. She grabbed his chart and then looked at him. Her expression made him nervous.

"What is it?" he rasped out, worried that whatever it was would be serious enough to get him sent back Earthside. That was about the worst thing he could think of.

"You died, John."

He let out a chuckle. "Not the first time," he said, worry lifting a little. Her expression didn't change.

"Let me explain," she said, opening the file. "Abdominal hemorrhage and perforation. Penetrating ballistic injuries. Flash burns. Crush injuries. Pulmonary contusion and hemorrhage, airway epithelial damage–" Keller stopped reading and looked up. "You were dead from your injuries." Her voice was tight and her hands clenched around the tablet she was reading from, were shaking. "You were in the morgue. Biro was about to do the… the autopsy, and then she realized you were breathing!"

Sheppard's eyes went wide, despite the fact they felt like the weighed a thousand pounds each. "I'm glad she noticed," he managed. "The scanners." He motioned vaguely to the Ancient scanners and medical equipment mounted around the room. "How did they miss… that I was… alive."

"John!" She set the tablet down on his bed, curled her fingers around the side rail of the bed and leaned over so her face was just inches from his. "They didn't. The scanners didn't miss anything at all. You. Were. Dead. Clinically dead from blast injuries. The only reason Ronon wasn't is because he was on the other side of a pile of rocks, but he's got injuries. Teyla and McKay made it back through the Gate and Woolsey sent a team in a puddle jumper to retrieve you. They brought back your dead body!"

His head was spinning. And aching. "But I'm not dead." 

She let herself collapse in the chair beside his bed. "I know," she said as she ran a weary hand over her face. "But you were.

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

They wanted to study him. Of course they did.

He wasn't ordered to participate, not exactly. But various individuals with ranks significantly higher than Sheppard's ordered him to attend meetings where they talked about duty and obligation and responsibility. As if he didn't know what that was. As if he didn't feel the weight of it every day for the expedition he commanded.

Luckily for Sheppard, either O'Neill or McKay was able to be at every one of the meetings he was required to attend. The two of them ran interference, loudly and constantly. McKay made blunt comments about power hungry tyrants with delusions of grandeur; O'Neill let them ramble on for a while and then pointed out that he was in charge so they could just suck it. When a presidential decision was about to cost Sheppard his freedom and order him to submit to invasive and potentially lethal experimentation for the "greater good of mankind", McKay stepped up to the plate.

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

"Son, just think of the benefit to the United States." The very orange President and several Chiefs of Staff sat on the sofa across from them in the Oval Office. Sheppard sat stiffly between McKay and O'Neill as the President continued his spiel. "We are the best country, the greatest! If we could isolate this quality, pass it on to our troops-"

"And do what?" McKay cut him off with a freezing glare. "Create an army of immortal supermen? Take over the world and install yourself as dictator?"

Sheppard fought to keep the smirk off his face as the President turned a very unattractive shade of puce. 

"Look, doctor, you are here as a guest only-"

"And you're here as a deluded idiot with dreams of world domination through genetic manipulation," McKay snapped back, rolling his eyes. "As has been previously explained, to people smarter than you I might add, there are limitations to what the Colonel is experiencing. The most important of those being that it is specific to people who have the ATA gene and was triggered by exposure to something in the Pegasus galaxy. So unless you are going to start screening all your soldiers and shipping the ones who are ATA positive out to Atlantis in hopes that whatever happened to him also happens to them, dissecting Sheppard is not going to help you!"

The President drew himself up, expression livid. "I never suggested-"

"That's what it will eventually come down to!" McKay jumped to his feet, slammed his hands down on the table and leaned across it to yell in his face, ignoring the Secret Service men who started forward at his sudden movement. " _You won't_ be able to _replicate_ it! You _won't_ be able to figure it out, and eventually someone will decide that it's worth the sacrifice to cut him into pieces and figure out what makes him tick, and I'm _not going to let you_!"

"That's it! Get him out-"

Sheppard saw McKay lean forward and say something else, but he couldn't quiet hear what it was. It had a very immediate effect on the President, though – Sheppard and the assorted Chiefs of Staff were summarily escorted out of the office, leaving only O'Neill and McKay.

Sheppard was never able to pry the details of the conversation out of McKay. Afterward, when called back in, he noticed that O'Neill appeared shaken to the core. President Comb-Over looked like a ghost under his spray-on-tan, valiantly trying not to flinch under McKay's glare as he haltingly assured Sheppard he was not required to submit to any testing after all. Ever.

Sheppard was rather bemused by the haste with which they were escorted back to the Mountain; by Presidential order, the power grid of the whole United States was placed at their disposal to get them back out to Pegasus as soon as possible. To resume his very important post. For the indeterminate future.

"He's an asshole, and I've got his number," was all McKay would say on the subject.

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

It was black as pitch over the water now. The lights could barely penetrate the thick darkness, but he could hear the waves crashing against the wood, feel the unrestrained power in the jolts running through the slats beneath his feet. 

The pier seemed sturdy, stalwart and solid, but in the face of the storm it shuddered. It groaned. There were loose railings here and there, and there was a spot near the shore where a piece of plywood was nailed over a large hole, a makeshift patch at best. It was holding together for now, but a few more punishing storms might damage it beyond repair. 

To Sheppard, every death of a former expedition member felt like a storm slamming into him, ripping off pieces of his soul. Today, with this final loss, he felt completely unmoored.

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

After thirty-five years, Earth finally ceded control of Atlantis back to the Coalition. Sheppard spent two more years transitioning command, and the SGC worked closely with the Coalition to set up scientific training for the Pegasus natives who had the gene (or the therapy) to take over operations. 

Once the transition began, the city began to fill up. People came for training, and they brought their families. Schools started for the children. Marketplaces popped up. Huge gardens that had never been utilized by the expedition due to lack of manpower were suddenly brought back to life. Atlantis was slowly waking up and becoming everything a thriving city should be. 

Of course, it caused no end of frustration to certain folks, unused to all the people underfoot.

"Damn kids getting into everything!"

Sheppard crossed his arms and leaned against the door of the lab, smiling at McKay where he was fussing over a stack of papers that were under a pile of rocks. Or misshapen cookies, it was hard to tell.

"C'mon, Rodney. Let's call it a day."

McKay looked up at him sharply. "I still have marking to do," he said, pulling the papers from under the pile and shaking them in Sheppard's direction. "I don't know why I let you talk me into this! I hate kids!"

He stepped into the lab and took the stack of papers from McKay. Before he could protest, Sheppard wrapped his free arm around McKay's waist and pulled him in for a quick kiss. 

"You can mark it at home," he said, steering McKay toward the door. 

McKay was pensive as they walked down the hall. "I can't believe we're leaving her in less than two weeks."

Sheppard nodded. He was conflicted about leaving. He'd only been back Earthside a few times since the presidential debacle, and though it was years later, the ripples had never really died. He knew there was still a keen interest in studying him like a lab rat, but whatever McKay had done seemed to transcend presidencies since he'd never heard another suggestion about research since.

The biggest concern he had was McKay. The man was past seventy now, though pretty spry all things considered. No one on Atlantis blinked twice at them together, and they had been for almost thirty years now. But back on earth, they were going stand out. Sheppard didn't care – he never had given a shit what people thought of him or his choices after all. But he knew that back on Earth, people would look at them funny and it would bother McKay. He was already joking about Sheppard finding something younger and more attractive when they got back. 

"It's gonna be fine, Rodney," Sheppard assured him, even though the promise felt hollow. Because what else could he do? 

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

He'd wanted to end it all when McKay died. He tried, in fact; had taken his service weapon, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

Three days later, he woke up with a massive migraine that made him wish he was dead, and the horrific realization that he was literally covered in the natural consequences of his suicide attempt. There was congealed blood all over him, the table he'd collapsed onto and the floor. Suspicious streaks of tissue that could only be brain matter were splattered liberally in with the blood spray on the wall behind him. And of course, there was the bowel and bladder incontinence that inevitably accompanied death and the resultant skin rashes from sitting in it for days. 

For a moment when he'd stared into Gina's casket, Sheppard had wondered if being incinerated would work.

"I can't do this without you, Rodney," he yelled into the darkness, tears mixing with the rain that coursed down his face. "I tried!" He clenched his fists, shaking with cold and grief as the wind whipped his words away. "But she was the last one, and now she's dead too. They're all gone and I have nothing left." He slid to his knees, head bowed as the enormity of it all hit him anew. "I can barely imagine facing another forty-eight years of this," he whispered, eyes squeezed shut against the tears. "I don't want to live another forty-eight thousand, knowing that this time, you won't be there waiting for me there. I don't want this! It's not a gift, it's a curse!" 

The sound of the waves and rain were suddenly drowned by an electrical buzzing in his ears. He saw a flash of light through his closed eyes and wondered for a moment if this was it, if he'd finally meet his end via a lightning strike. He forced his eyes open, but everything was swathed in light. He felt every hair on his body stand straight up and then he was falling, falling, falling… 

 

~ * ~ * ~ 

 

"John!"

He jerked to awareness with a gasp. He was still on the planet, his team surrounding him, his arm still in Jaiken's grasp. Sheppard wobbled slightly, dizziness gripping him as he tried to make sense of the memories flooding through him. He blinked down at the fingers around his wrist and then peered up into Jaiken's face. "What… did that… did I… was that… real?"

Teyla was beside him in a flash, concern etched on her features. She gave Jaiken a dark look before addressing Sheppard. "Are you all right?" 

"What did you do to him?" McKay demanded, pointing the LSD at both of them. "Something happened! There was a weird power spike, right off the charts!" 

Jaiken ignored them both, his gaze fixed on Sheppard. "It all happened, and will happen, or will not – as you choose. You must choose. So I ask you a final time. Do you want to live forever?"

"No." Sheppard shook his head, then bit back a curse as the dizziness flared up again. "Absolutely not."

Jaiken smiled and released him. "Then go in good health and enjoy the life you have."

McKay immediately stepped up and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. "What the heck was that all about?" 

Sheppard looked at McKay and smiled in sheer gratitude to see him the way he was supposed to be. He reached up and covered McKay's hand with his own. "I missed you, buddy."

McKay's face screwed up in confusion. "What? I've been right here the whole time!"

Sheppard let out a chuckle. "I know. I'll explain in the debrief." He paused for a second and glanced back at Jaiken. "All of it would have happened? Exactly that way?"

When Jaiken nodded, Sheppard turned back to McKay. "By the way, I need you to make a note of a Gate address we'll be crossing off our list." 

He didn't want to live forever, but he refused to willingly give up a single day.


End file.
